The Boundary Talk. Yes, I know but it needs to be said!
Updated: Jan 6
It's time for us to be smart about how and with whom we spend our time and energy!
Why the heck is this blog post about boundaries worth my time?
Time is literally all we have so please take two minutes of your valuable time to read this blog post and save yourself some stress. I'm talking about the kinds of boundaries that can protect you from cruel and unnecessary people, events, and even some simplicities, so that you do not find yourself in a moment thinking, "well crap, I sure wish I could get that hour of my precious life back. What an f-king waist." Come on? We've all been around something or someone that's given us these vibes resulting in verbiage close to this passing through our minds.
There is no reason why our extra time, you know those precious hours or minutes outside of our responsibilities, should be spent in a way that leaves us wishing we could take it back. I could never fully express my level of desire that more people just be honest about what they want and how they truly wish to spend their time.
Let's start with the People!
I'm sure you've had someone you're in some way associated with who has drained your energy or made you feel gross physically after being around them. There are certain circumstances with people in our life that, unfortunately, we have to 'put up with. Perhaps as a counterpart, even a boss at your place of employment, or a family member making boundary-setting much more difficult. There are still things that you can do! If you have a friend or colleague that only contacts you when they need something, please do not be someone who jumps to respond when they make a request. If they ask you for something, especially your time, stop and ask yourself if this is truly something you should and actually want to do. Do you need this time for yourself to complete a project, manage your chores, or simply get a walk in your day because it has been far too long since you gave yourself some quiet time? If it's a request that is outside your hand of responsibilities at your place of employment, please consider politely declining. Do not utilize your most precious resource on someone who rarely, if ever, returns the favor! If you know in your heart or gut that the true answer is "no" please keep reading. Below I've included some non-confrontational ways you can say no and/or remove yourself from that conversation.
When someone approaches you with drama, a request you're not obligated to assist with, or anything other than professional context, try saying, 'Unfortunately, I do not have time to stop right now. I need to complete this task.' This kind of statement removes you from any possible negative response nor does it place any blame upon anything other than work. Others can look like this:
I cannot stop right now, I've got something I'm working on.
I cannot chat right now.
I've removed myself from drama, especially workplace-related.
If someone at work wants you to take on more tasks, consider these options:
My day, (week, month) has been planned and I do not have room in my schedule.
Ya know, I've made some (or had to make some) changes to my schedule and I cannot make it.
I am unavailable to help you at this time. I know we are all really busy right now, myself included.
If someone you are closer to, say a friend or family member, wants to hang out and you know they are negative and leave you feeling 'ugh', then consider these:
Look I just don't do these conversations anymore.
I have enough stress and I can't allow more in.
This (activity, dining, etc.) is not a part of my lifestyle anymore.
General 'no' statements:
It's kind of you to offer. No thank you.
At this time I cannot commit to any more ______
Ya know, I've made some (or had to make some) changes to my schedule and I cannot make it.
I had a very estranged relationship with my birth father. At age 26 I had hit a breaking point of depression and exhaustion when it came to managing our relationship. It was then that somebody gave me some of the best advice. I was told that there are times in life when we must ask ourselves how we feel being around the people we have relationships with. If we constantly feel, in one way or more, highly negative then it's imperative that we eliminate or limit to the best of our abilities the amount of exposure we allow ourselves to that person. I will never say this is an easy choice. We only have so much time in life so how we spend it has to be in the best ways we can manage.
What about the things in your life?
It's certain that money does not buy everything. There are things you can do for yourself. There are things you can get for yourself, small, medium, and large. It's not necessarily the monetary value of the thing you do or purchase for yourself it's about owning that this thing or this group of things are yours and yours alone because you connect with it and they bring your soul some joy! Maybe you really like scarves. They can be added to your head as a headband or ponytail. Tied to a purse for some color and all the ways you can tie them around your neck for warmth or just an accent. Perhaps, you love romance novels. The stories leave you swept off your feet and longing for your adventure. Aromatherapy baths. Baseball hats. Historical documentaries. Fancy Disney-themed bags. The price point of what brings you happiness is not the point. Make a firm line in the sand to do a little something for yourself. Establish a boundary to whomever, especially yourself, that you deserve something that is for YOU and not about anyone else.
any moreThe same can be argued about the things you deserve to be without. If there are things in your life that you just don't like it want, make a point to kick them out. Maybe you're the recipient of a slew of frog figurines because one birthday someone gave you one, you said it was really cute, and now it's a thing someone gives you at every opportunity. Do the thing. Rip that bandaid off and admit to them and anyone else that you really just can't have anymore frogs. Maybe you really need a boundary for yourself to not drink as much. You have a particular someone or a group of people you are around. You all go out routinely for coffee or alcoholic drinks and you really want to cut that out or limit that in your life. Make a point to order something else like tea or zero-proof/mocktail instead. If those individuals give you grief or pick on you in good fun, just tell them you haven't been feeling well after you've had it and want to limit or remove it from your diet or just flat-out say you want less of that in your body.
The things we can't control.
Believe me, I'm the biggest hypocrite in life if I say that you should just let go of the things you can't control. With as much trauma and abuse as I've experienced in life, having a sense of control over things makes me feel safe and secure. I am well aware that I value my self-worth on how much I can accomplish in a day despite what events or needs randomly require me to augment my calendar. I can say that it is one of the biggest things I am working on and have been working on. I carry way too much muscle tension, the kind that hinders your ability to move around well and therefore be productive and feel good. I recently put a boundary in place to take better care of my stress level. Exercise is great but I'm choosing to do more walks and yoga to stretch and relax my body versus my focus and goal being on my weight and shape. I carry so much tension and I'm tired of treating my body this way.
We just simply can't control everything and it's difficult, almost impossible even, to say we will chuck aside our worries. What is working for me in the midst of letting go of the things I can't control, is asking myself, "what's the worst that can happen from this scenario?" That's what drives the frustration; the fear, any angst, it all comes from that assumption that the worst will come. If I review those thoughts and fears then I can say, "ok, now you know. You can make some plans or have some ideas of how to react in case that comes to pass. Now you can now shift your thoughts to things that are positive and focused on how things are going well." I know I cannot push the thoughts out so I acknowledge them then reestablish a new line of thoughts and move forward. Sometimes I have to meditate, sometimes I need a hot bath with aromatherapy oils to lessen the tension in my body, and other times I dance or go for a walk. I've been establishing a new boundary that I stop, acknowledge my feelings, ask myself a couple of questions, then engage in something that will change my mood and perspective.
To sum it up
Listen to your body. It will tell you what you need to know and what are the best choices you should be making. Sometimes it may require us to quiet our mind while other at other moments our body physically feels a massive response. Sitting there listening to someone judge other humans on their choice of attire while carrying on about how sad it all is and they really just need someone to pick out their clothing for them, physically makes me feel guilty and nasty by association. If you are with someone who makes you feel anything other than positive after you share YOUR TIME with them, then you need to rethink. If you have these moments, these feelings of sadness, dirty, guilty, anxiety, or anything other than uplifting then you most definitely need to reassess whom you are with because this is toxic.
I sincerely hope this gave you some helpful examples of how to extract yourself from a situation or person so you are better able to use your time in a way that gives you life, happiness, health, or even a sigh of contentment.
Cheers friends! Please do your best to live a #brilliantboldandbeautifullyempoweredife
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